Ten Tips For Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

zombie emergencyThey’re coming. Slooowly but surely, they’re making their way: lumbering shadows approaching in the twilight…clumsy feet scraping noisily across sidewalks, crunching through dried up leaves in their path. A chorus of low, relentless moans can be heard throughout the neighborhood, carried into the night on a chilly fall breeze… Who’s coming, you whisper? Annoyingly perky politicians? The next-door kids, schlepping school fundraising packets? IRS tax auditors? Gasp—your in-laws to stay for a week, maybe two?! (Oh, the horror!) If you really must ask, then please allow us to counter with: Seriously, dude? Where have you been all this time? Because anyone who follows the trending topics on search engines, plays video games or has access to basic cable is familiar with America’s new obsession: zombies. Laugh if you will, but sightings of zombies—the walking dead, ghouls, call them what you will—have been recorded for centuries in all corners of the world. It used to be that we had an unspoken agreement: “live and let the undead live,” meaning we don’t talk about zombies (save the occasional cult film)…and they go about their frightful business with little impact upon our daily lives (save the occasional poor soul who gets eaten).

In a zombie apocalypse, a widespread (usually global) rise of zombies hostile to human life engages in a general assault on civilization. Victims of zombies may become zombies themselves.

But our country’s newfound fascination with zombies has blown the lid off their existence, and quite frankly, they’re not happy. The undead are tired of hiding in the shadows while others profit from their popularity. They’re restless and growing bold, with greedy eye sockets and growling stomachs—which can only mean one thing: Zombie apocalypse. Are you prepared?

10 Tips For Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Recognize a zombie when you see one. The walking dead typically sport gray skin that’s seen better days; rotting teeth; tangled clumps of hair; glazed eyeballs or empty eye sockets; and tattered clothing (often riddled with bullet holes). Plus, there’s the distinctive slow, jerky walk…and an eau de parfum that announces their arrival a mile away.
  2. Know their strengths and yours. A zombie’s greatest advantage is its tirelessness. Immune to pain, a ghoul will literally keep going and going like that bunny on those battery commercials until its infected brain is destroyed. Humans, on the other hand, have the advantage of intelligence. Use your brain to survive a zombie attack!
  3. Enjoy the comforts of home. What better place to defend yourself against a mob of hungry ghouls? Your chances of survival are greater if you stay indoors in familiar territory, securing all doors and windows like a fortress.
  4. Take the stairs…out. The second story of a home (or business) is the ideal place to hole up during a zombie attack, but once you’ve settled in with a stockpile of emergency supplies, be sure to destroy the stairs (or elevators) to cut off the undead’s access. (Note: Fire is not recommended—too hard to control.)
  5. Zombies can’t climb. They’re uncoordinated. In fact, research suggests that only one in four zombies will succeed in climbing a ladder. That’s why, when it comes to security, the higher, the better. If the building you’re in only has one story, take your supplies up to the roof where you can safely camp out for at least a few days while thumbing your nose at the clueless ghouls below.
  6. Basements are bad. Always. Very bad. Ever seen “Night of the Living Dead?” ‘Nuff said.
  7. Arm yourself. Flight—not fight—is the preferred response to a zombie attack. But if you’re cornered and it comes down to combat, the weapon of choice for whacking zombies where it counts (ahem, the brain) is a standard crowbar. Power tools are not recommended because they have a tendency to run out of fuel at the worst possible time.
  8. Plug your ears. Adding earplugs to your emergency survival kit sounds odd, but think about it: Zombies moan when they’re hungry. And they’re always hungry. That’s a whole lot of moaning, which could drive anyone nuts—and straight into the ice-cold grasp of a waiting zombie!
  9. Flee on foot or bike. Though it’s tempting to hop into a vehicle and peel out—mowing down a few ghouls in the process—keep in mind that cars run out of gas, frequently break down, and make lots of noise that attracts zombies. Traveling by foot in a small group is best. And for heaven’s sake, walk quickly, but don’t run…zombies are slow, and the last thing you need right now is a sprained ankle.
  10. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! Worse case scenario, if a zombie sinks its fangs into your flesh but you manage to escape, you have about 24 hours of pure torture before poof! You’re a zombie, too! You’ll spend your days roaming the countryside, uninhibited by worldly possessions while feasting on what is essentially today’s trendy “paleo diet.” Might even lose a few pounds. Win-win!

According to Dr. Ali Khan, director of the Center for Disease Control, “If you are generally well equipped to deal with a ‘zombie apocalypse’ you will be prepared for a hurricane, pandemic, earthquake, or terrorist attack.” Order your zombie preparedness kit today at www.cdc.gov.

On a final note, once the zombie apocalypse has passed and the ghouls have moved on to bigger and better things, survivors will find themselves with a pretty nasty mess on their hands. Call LDR Cleaning & Restoration, specialists in flood, fire and smoke damage—and, of course, cleanup after the occasional invasion of the undead. From all of us at LDR, have a safe and happy Halloween! If you're ready for a zombie apocalypse, then you're ready for any emergency. emergency.cdc.gov


 

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